


Photograph

by lester_howell_fanfics



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8009791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lester_howell_fanfics/pseuds/lester_howell_fanfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Okay Dan, it’s Friday Feelings time!” Phil called from the kitchen as he stirred two steaming cups of coffee. 

He heard Dan groan from the living room. Friday Feelings was a tradition for Dan and Phil at this point. Started by Phil in the early stages of their friendship, it was Phil’s way of trying to help Dan express his feelings rather than bottling them up inside and being miserable. It had taken years for Dan to truly open up to Phil, but now they were like open books to each other. 

Dan was settled into his sofa crease when Phil entered the living room with the coffee mugs. An old episode of Tokyo Ghoul was playing on the TV, but Dan wasn’t watching it. His attention was on the Hello Kitty mug in Phil’s hand. 

“Are you kidding me, Phil?” Dan laughed as he was given the least functional mug in the house.

“It was the last clean one!” Phil replied, holding his own Attack on Titan mug close to his chest. 

Dan rolled his eyes, “Whatever.”

“Right. Friday Feelings. Let’s go, Danny boy.” Phil began, sitting next to Dan on the sofa.

Dan sighed heavily. “Do we really have to do this? It’s been seven years, Phil.”

“Yes! We do! It’s part of our routine!” Phil defended his tradition with pride, whereas Dan saw it as an inconvenience. 

Knowing Phil would only get upset if he refused, Dan started talking about what was bothering him. “I feel like shit.”

“Shit? Why?” Phil asked, unsure of where the conversation was headed.

“I’m exhausted all the time and everything hurts and this is probably too much information but there’s blood in my pee sometimes and I just-”

“Dan, that’s not good.” Phil frowned at his friend, growing concerned. “Maybe you should go to a doctor or something.”

“No, it’s not that bad. Really. I’ve got a new video to make and stuff to do. If it gets worse, I’ll go.” Dan said, picking up his laptop and resuming his Tumblr scrolling.

Phil was still worried about Dan, but he seemed okay at the moment. He knew that if he pushed him, Dan would get annoyed. Phil decided to drop it for now, but would remember to keep tabs on him.

“What about you? What are your emotions, Philly?” Dan laughed, mocking the tall pale boy beside him. 

Phil jumped a little, pulled out of his train of thought about Dan. “Oh. Me? Uh, nothing. Just worried about Loki. He seems a little dry and crusty.”

Dan looked at Phil. “Don’t use the word crusty, Phil.”

Phil managed a weak smile, but was still caught up in what Dan had said.

Dan sighed. “You’re not going to let this go are you?”

Phil shook his head. 

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Dan mumbled.

“No, I’m glad you did. At least I know that you’re not feeling good if you get worse.” said Phil. 

Dan looked away. “Are you going to that YouTube meeting tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you?”

“Of course I am. I haven’t seen Louise or Chris or PJ in ages.” Dan laughed.

“It will be good to see them.” 

Dan looked at the time and realised it was almost 1 o’clock in the morning. “Jesus Christ, Phil, we should go to bed.” 

Phil smiled a little. “Yeah, wouldn’t want to be falling asleep tomorrow morning.”

Dan laughed “It is tomorrow morning.”

“True.”

Dan and Phil picked up their laptops, phones and dirty mugs and discarded the mugs in the kitchen before heading up to their bedrooms. 

“Goodnight, Dan.” Phil called from his bed as he crawled in. 

Instead of replying like a normal human being, Dan leaned into Phil’s bedroom pulling a horrifying face. Phil laughed at his idiotic best friend. 

~

The next morning, Phil woke up early to have a shower before Dan. He wasn’t fazed by the fact that he didn’t hear a sound from Dan. It didn’t bother him that he hadn’t been caught shoving mouthfuls of sugary cereal in his mouth. Phil didn’t even think twice when Dan’s bedroom door was kept shut. 

After checking the time and realising they’d be late if he didn’t get up soon, Phil finally decided it was time to check on Dan.   
He wasn’t prepared for what he walked into.

Dan was lying in bed. He was completely unconscious. Blood was dripping from his nose and mouth. His face was somehow paler than usual.  
“Dan?...” Phil called gently, now very concerned about Dan. He approached his friend slowly, softly touching his arm.

Dan woke up, almost jumping at Phil’s touch. His terrified chocolate brown eyes flew open. 

“Are you alright?” Phil asked, getting a better look at him. 

“Turn the light on.” Dan replied, his voice hoarse. 

“Dan…”

“I feel like literal shit.”

Phil flicked the switch, allowing him to see Dan’s body properly. “Please go to a doctor. You look terrible.” 

Dan raised his hand to his face. Upon seeing the blood on his hand, he stared at Phil in terror.

“You’re staying at home today, Dan.” Phil said, with no hint of wanting to budge on his decision in his voice. 

And Dan was in no position to argue. 

Phil helped Dan put the bloody sheets in the washing machine and set him up in the lounge room sitting on a towel (in case of more bleeding) with his laptop and an anime box set. He’d secretly been wanting to watch it with Dan but was willing to make the sacrifice today. 

Still terrified and worried sick, Phil was going to be late for the meeting. He had no choice now – Dan would be fine for a few hours. He’d be back as soon as it was over. 

~

The day seemed to drag on for a century for Phil. He felt like everyone knew that Dan wasn’t there. He could feel the empty void everyone made beside him that was meant for Dan. Although it wasn’t the case, it felt like everyone was asking about Dan. Nobody wanted to discuss collaborations or YouTube – to Phil, the whole event was about Dan’s absence. Eventually, he reached a breaking point. Halfway through a conversation with Louise, he apologised and told her he had to get out of there. He left a confused Louise to go home. To Dan. 

~

As if the day hadn’t been long enough already, the journey home was agony for Phil. He was a bundle of nervous energy. Though he hated to admit it to himself, he was deeply attached to Dan. He couldn’t live without that tall, dark haired boy who showed him that life was worth living. Now the universe was threatening to hurt him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was the worst kind of pain. He kept beating himself up on the tube, telling himself he shouldn’t have gone today, that he should have been there for Dan. 

Finally, he was taking the familiar stairs in his apartment two at a time. Breathless, he threw his entire body into Dan’s room, almost falling over in the process. No Dan. He tried the living room. No Dan. Panicked, he finally tried the kitchen. 

In the middle of the kitchen floor, Dan’s body lay sprawled out. It wasn’t in an existential crisis way either – his limbs were bending out on awkward angles. Blood and coffee surrounded him. It was beginning to stick to the tiles. Phil’s favourite mug was shattered on the tiles.

“Dan!” Phil cried, his hands beginning to shake with fear. He moved towards his friend again, much like he had that morning. He nudged Dan. This time, he didn’t move.   
Phil bent down on his knees, not caring that he was being covered in the blood and coffee. He lifted Dan’s face off the tiles, almost peeling it as it was stuck like glue from the liquids. If Phil thought he’d been pale this morning, he was wrong. Dan’s skin now blended in with the white tiles. He must have been here for hours. 

Dan’s nose was pouring with blood. Phil lifted him into an almost seated position against the cabinets. A mouthful of vomit leaked out of Dan’s mouth. He was still unconscious.

From his limited medical knowledge, Phil knew this wasn’t good. 

With shaking hands, he dialled 999 into his phone. 

After that day, Phil honestly couldn’t remember what happened after that. He assumed there was a conversation with a call centre person, and he vaguely recalled getting frustrated with them. There was an agonizing wait for the ambulance, and when they arrived, Phil broke down crying. They called for back-up, realising the extent of the situation. Phil was escorted away to the living room, where a paramedic gave him water and tried to calm him down. They tried to stop him from coming in the ambulance. Phil wouldn’t let him go unless he was with him. Begrudgingly, they allowed him to sit with Dan, holding his hand. Silent tears rolled down Phil’s cheeks. 

When they arrived at the hospital, everyone forgot about Phil. Dan was rushed into the emergency room, doctors and nurses running him inside. Phil chased them down, becoming breathless for what felt like the millionth time that day. Then he saw the door. The one that said ‘AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY’ in aggressive lettering. There was even a security guard there. He kept going. When the automatic doors opened, they pushed Dan through. Then they closed behind them before Phil could reach them. 

Heartbroken, Phil watched through the glass as they plugged him into the machines. He hadn’t noticed it before, but he was crying. Violently, too. Sobs ripped through Phil’s body as he stood there for what felt like an eternity. The nurses were beginning to remove Dan’s clothes as the muscular security guard finally shoved him away by the shoulder. Defeated, Phil sat down in the sterile waiting room and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this is not a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

The hospital was hell. Phil hated the smell of whatever sterile cleaners they used, and the bland white walls didn’t help. The staff were mostly rude middle aged women who just wanted to go home. But that didn’t stop Phil from spending every possible moment in that building. 

He spent twelve hours in that waiting room after Dan was taken through the doors. Nobody said a word to him. He calmed down eventually, stopping his hysterical sobbing, but it was still as if he didn’t exist. 

All Phil could think about was Dan. Dan. Dan. Like a dripping tap. He could not stop worrying about where he was or if he was okay. He just wanted to see him. 

Eventually, Phil got tired of waiting. In his delirium, he stood up and almost collapsed onto the receptionist’s desk. 

“Dan Howell? Is he okay? Where is he? Can I see him?” he stammered, trying to get the words out. 

The woman behind the desk looked him up and down, judging him. Phil didn’t care. She looked at her computer and said “He’s being moved into the ward now. Room B-09-16. Up one floor and along the left corridor.”

“Thank you!” Phil yelled as he turned and ran towards the stairs. 

He was so worried. 

He reached the top of the stairs and looked both ways. The corridor was endless. He’d never find B-09-16. 

Then a doctor stopped him.

“You’re looking for?...”

“B-09-16” Phil panted “Please, he’s my best friend and I don’t know what’s going on-”

He nodded. “This way.”

The doctor escorted him along the corridor, to where Dan was. He stopped as he was about to open the door. 

“Look, I don’t know if you really want to see him like this…”

“Please.” Phil begged.

The doctor sighed. He let him in. 

Phil’s heart shattered at what he saw. 

Dan was plugged into a million machines. A heart monitor. A drip. Several different machines, all checking some vital body function. He was unconscious, his pale lavender eyelids unmoving. They’d put him in a hospital gown. The beeping indicating his heartbeat was the only sound in the room. Nothing could have prepared him for this.  
The reality of the situation and what had happened hit Phil like a ton of bricks.

“We don’t know what’s wrong with him. We’re going to do some tests today, just waiting for the technicians to come in.” The doctor said from behind him. “Also, we need to contact his family. Would you mind doing that?”

Phil froze. How was he going to call Mrs Howell and tell her that her son was in hospital? 

The doctor noticed “If you would prefer, you could give me the number and I can call.”

Phil nodded. 

“Okay. I’ll leave you with him and we’ll talk again later.” The doctor left the room, closing the door behind him. 

Phil was exhausted. He sat down in the chair in the corner of the room, watching Dan as his eyelids finally closed. 

~

Dan’s family arrived the next day. His parents and Adrian came first, then a whole collection of faces and names that had drifted from Phil’s mind moments after they were introduced. But nobody was focused on Phil. They all wanted to see Dan, even though he was either unconscious or in tests. Usually both. 

He was taken away for another test at about midday, and he finally had an opportunity to call his mother. He just needed someone to talk to. 

“Phil! My darling boy, how are you?” she sang.

Phil didn’t reply.

“Oh no, Phil, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you?”

“It’s Dan.” He said, beginning to cry.

“Dan? Did you two have an argument? Phil, are you alright?”

“He’s sick. Really sick. He’s in hospital. He’s…”

“Oh, Phil, no, that’s awful.”

“Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“I’m on my way, sweetheart.” She knew what Phil would ask. “I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

“I love you, too, mum.”

“Bye, love.”

~

A few hours later, Phil was at home after spending the rest of the day in the waiting room, doing exactly what the name suggests. He was sitting in the living room, staring at the wall when he heard a knock on the door. He made the trek down the stairs. When he opened the door, he was pulled into a massive hug from his mother. 

~

It had been three days since Phil found his best friend unconscious on their kitchen floor. 

Dan’s condition hadn’t changed much, but he was in significantly less pain thanks to the cocktail of painkillers and drugs being pumped into his system. He was conscious often now, able to have conversations with people. But he refused to talk about his illness. Dan knew. After about a million tests, the doctors had figured out what was wrong with him. But he was refusing to tell Phil. 

Phil was completely confused. How hard was it to explain some minor infection or virus? He’d become frustrated and annoyed with Dan, but they had reached a compromise. Phil would find out, but not from Dan. He’d have to have a meeting with his doctor. The one who had diagnosed him. 

Phil was sitting by Dan’s bedside, simply watching him. He was asleep. The gentle rise and fall of his chest. The way his fingers would twitch. It was the first time in what felt like forever that Phil felt calm. Just the mere presence of his best friend was taming the roaring waves of terror and fear that had been his companion for days.  
He checked his phone. It was 5 minutes until the meeting. He needed to go. 

Phil stood up, his eyes still glued to Dan’s motionless body. The pretty boy’s fringe had begun to cover his eyes. Slowly and carefully, Phil brushed it aside. His skin was smooth and soft. Phil found himself caressing Dan’s face and neck, not even thinking about it. It felt… calming. A reluctant smile spread across Phil’s face.

It was so easy to love Dan...

Suddenly, Phil realised what he was doing. He yanked his hand away, disgusted at what he had done. How could he do that? How could he touch Dan like that? Horrified, Phil left Dan’s room and tried to find the doctor’s office. 

~

“So, uh, we’ve run a couple of tests on Dan.” The nameless doctor started. It was the same one who had shown Phil to Dan’s room a few days before. “And, uh, it’s not the best news.”

Phil frowned. “What’s wrong? Is he going to be alright?”

The doctor paused for a moment, trying to work out how to say it. “We did a PET scan on him. It’s a machine that uses special dyes to detect things in the body. Most of the time, it’s cancer. And that is exactly what we found.”

In one moment, Phil’s world collapsed. In one sentence, everything began to crumble. His eyes began swimming with tears.

“Where?” he whimpered, begging for it to be minor. A little thing that could be fixed by next Monday.

The doctors sighed “We’re not exactly sure where it started, but it’s beginning to take over his body. It’s everywhere.”

Phil couldn’t breathe. His chest tightened. He couldn’t see. The entire universe was being destroyed. 

“Treatment?”

“We’re going to try everything possible. Chemotherapy, radiotherapy – we may even consider surgery on some of the tumours. He’s too young to die, Phil. I promise to do everything I can to help him.”

Phil sat there, completely shell shocked. How could this possibly happen to Dan? This was a nightmare – surely he’d become conscious again and he’d find Dan in the living room, shouting at the TV while playing Halo 3.

But he didn’t.

This nightmare was reality. 

And he’d never wake up.

~

The rest of the day had passed in a blur. Phil left the hospital after the meeting, silently drinking a coffee at the café outside the hospital. He decided that it was the most miserable place on earth and that he’d walk somewhere else next time. Everyone had someone who was sick or dying on their minds. The atmosphere of sadness and hopelessness wasn’t aided by the pale girl with no hair. She had been sitting at a table with her parents. It was clear this was her first time out of the hospital in a while. Phil really hadn’t paid much attention to her until her body fell from the chair to the ground, completely limp. Then she started shaking. Her father ran inside, begging for help while her mother cradled the convulsing girl to her chest. She was having a fit. 

Phil’s eyes had widened in shock before he ran away. Was this what would happen to Dan? How much pain was he in? Was the girl in pain? Was she going to die? Was Dan going to die? 

Unanswered questions were flying around his head as his feet made a constant rhythm along the pavement. The tube ride felt like an eternity. 

But arriving home offered no comfort to Phil.

Because it was empty. 

It was completely silent. 

There was no Dan.

Nothing.

Just…Phil.

As is waiting for a cue, his phone began to ring in his pocket. It was Dan. 

With shaking hands, he pressed the button and held the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Uh, have you been online recently? As in since I got sick?” he asked casually.

“No, I haven’t, why?”

“Uh, well, everyone’s kind of worried about us. Like they have no idea why we’ve gone quiet. Most of them think that we’ve gone to get married or some shit, but then someone saw you running from the hospital today and everyone freaked out.” Dan explained. 

“Dan, I really don’t think what the internet thinks should be a priority for either of us right now.”

“Why? It’s our job, Phil-”

“Cancer.”

Dan was silent. 

“Why didn’t you tell me how serious it was?”

Again, silence.

“Dan, please don’t be mad. I’m sorry, I’m just really worried about you and I don’t know what’s going to happen-”

“Phil, I’m going to be fine.”

And then he hung up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late! I've just got a new cat and I was celebrating the 16th anniversary of my removal from my mother's uterus (god that sounds horrific (it was my birthday)). Chapter 4 will (hopefully) be coming up on Wednesday night (brisbane, aus time).

The next morning, Dan had told the world he was sick. Not that he had cancer, just that he was in hospital. He promised everyone he’d be alright and that he’d be out soon. Phil’s social media accounts were being flooded with messages from their followers. Tired and not wanting to respond, Phil turned off his phone before getting up to make breakfast.\

Initially, his mother had wanted to stay in the apartment with Phil to keep him company, but Phil insisted that he was fine and that she should stay at a hotel. He even offered to pay, but she turned him down. He knew she’d call soon, wanting to pick him up to go to the hospital.

Everyone had almost fallen into a routine. At least Phil had. Wake up in the morning, get ready, go to the hospital, wait in the waiting room for the morning influx of relatives and then see Dan. By the time Phil got to see him, he was usually tired and just wanted someone to watch anime with, and he was happy to be there for him. At midday, he’d be asked to leave for Dan’s treatment. He’d go with his mother into London and kill a few hours before returning to the hospital at dinner time. He avoided the café at all costs. In the evenings, Dan was able to talk to Phil. After a few hours, he’d be asked to leave again and he’d go home, crawling into bed and repeating the process.

But today was different. Phil now knew that Dan had cancer. He guessed he’d already told his family. He felt bad for getting annoyed at Dan on the phone last night, and he wanted to apologise. Really, he just wanted to see him. 

As he’d expected, the house phone rang as Phil was shoving in the last mouthful of Lucky Charms. It was his mother. He told her he’d be down in a minute. 

~

Phil was slightly taken aback when it was only Dan’s mother standing outside the hospital room. She smiled at Phil as he came down the corridor. 

“Good morning, Phil and Mrs Lester.” She said as they approached.

“Morning, Mrs Howell.” Phil’s mother replied.

She turned to Phil, “Listen, Dan woke up this morning and the nurses said he was asking for you. He doesn’t want to see anyone else today. Just you.”

Phil frowned “Is he okay?”

“Actually, the nurses have told me that he said he’s feeling better today.”

Phil looked at his mother, who gave him an encouraging smile. Mrs Howell stepped aside so Phil could go in. 

He pushed the door open. 

Dan was sitting up in his bed with the biggest smile on his face. “Hello!”

Phil couldn’t help but return the gesture. “Hi. How are you feeling?”

“Morphine. I’m fine. How are you?”

“A lot better now that I’ve seen you.” Phil felt his cheeks go red as he said it. 

Dan laughed quietly. “Hey, I’m sorry that my family has kind of pushed you out of the way over the last few days. And that I couldn’t tell you myself about the…. Anyway, I tweeted this morning asking for ‘Phil is not on Fire’ questions. Can we film one today?” 

Phil was slightly shocked. “Yeah, sure, um, do you want me to go and get the cameras and stuff?”

“If you want to. I mean, I’ve got my laptop and it’s not like we’re going to ever upload it…”

“I’ll go and get it.” Phil said, his hands shaking with excitement. “I’ve got to get the sharpie anyways.”

Dan laughed. “Alright, be quick. I’ll compile the list of questions.”

Phil smiled. “Okay.”

~

An hour later, Phil and his mother were dragging all the lights and the tripod and the camera through the corridors of the hospital. They earned many odd looks from people, but Phil couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. He was filming with Dan – the most natural thing in the world to him. 

Dan tried to get out of bed to help Phil set up, but Phil made him get back into the sheets. Phil clumsily set up the lights and the camera, balancing his laptop on the arm of a chair. He didn’t notice it, but Dan was watching him with a soft smile teasing at his lips. 

Finally, it was time. Dan was wearing his pyjama pants and a black shirt, but neither of them commented on it. Phil put down one of the side railings of Dan’s bed and helped him sit up on the side. They were in the classic vlogger-in-bedroom position. Phil didn’t say anything, but he noticed that Dan was significantly weaker. His body was tired. But he was wide awake.

“Ready?” Dan asked.

Phil pulled out the clicker-pen sharpie, and the brown haired boy smiled. He passed it to his best friend. 

“Is the camera rolling?” 

Phil stood up and pressed the button. “Now it is.”

Dan smiled again. “Sit the fuck down and let me put some cat whiskers on you, Philly.” 

Phil laughed. Dan’s hand rested on his cheek as he drew the black circle on Phil’s nose. The ink felt cold on his skin as the three whiskers were drawn onto each side of his face. Sharpie fumes filled his nose.

“IT IS DONE!” Dan yelled. Phil laughed as he was given the sharpie.

“Your turn, Daniel the Spaniel.”

Dan gave him a quick glare before he prepared himself for the whiskers. 

Phil was, once again, touching Dan’s face. This time they were both aware of it. But today his skin wasn’t soft. He hadn’t had a chance to do his usual bathroom routine since he’d been admitted to hospital four days ago, so his skin had become dry. A few spots had begun to appear. Dan didn’t seem to care. Phil drew the whiskers with shaking hands, trying not to think about what he was doing.

“Question numero uno! Who are your YouTube parents, Phil?” Dan cried.

Phil was put on the spot, and his eyes widened. “Um, PJ and Cat!”

Dan laughed and got the next question from his phone. “SAY ZEBRA, IT’S SEXY!”

“ZEBRA! ZEBRA! ZEBRA!”

“ZEBRA!”

“ZEBRA!”'

“ZEBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Dan grabbed Phil’s shoulders and shook him violently. They fell back laughing together.

While on the bed, Dan asked “Do you still have your t-shirt from the first 'Phil is not on Fire, Phil'?!”

“Yes! I do! Insert a picture of me wearing it now future editing me!” 

Dan laughed “Like you’ll ever edit this.”

“Give me the phone, I want some questions.”

Dan passed him the phone. Phil spotted his question. “Time lord or Pokémon trainer?”

“Pokémon trainer! I want a fucking Snorlax bitches! Oh, wait…”

“What?”

“Forget it. Would you rather have dog food scented hair or be bald forever in a universe where wigs set your eyebrows on fire?”

Phil forgot about the time-lord question. “I’d have dog food scented hair, but I’d wear a hat that sprays air freshener every five seconds.”

Dan laughed. “You always choose the stupidest ones, Phil!”

“No I don’t! My hair is part of my branding!”

Dan laughed even harder. 

“If you were a kitchen appliance, which one would you be?” Phil asked.

“I’d be a microwave because it’s a freaking onomatopoeia.”

“It’s not an onomatopoeia!”

“It is! Listen, miii-cro-wave.” Dan recreated his actions and voice from the first ‘Phil is not on Fire’. 

Phil shook his head. He’d never convince Dan that microwave was, in fact, not an onomatopoeia. 

“What would you be?” Dan asked.

Phil grinned “A whisk.”

“NO! SHUT UP! GOD DAMN IT PHIL!” Dan yelled, making Phil laugh. 

The questions continued for another hour. Somehow, despite their surroundings, they forgot that they were in a hospital and that cancer was slowly taking over Dan’s body. They were just Dan and Phil. Two best friend having fun. 

Phil read the last question aloud “Recreate the tackle from the first ‘Phil is not on Fire’!”.

Then Dan gave a squeal before he was hugged by Phil. For the 5th time that morning, they found themselves wrapped in each other’s arms, lying on the hospital bed. Phil forgot about everything. All he could focus on was Dan. He was home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long! Chapter 5 will be up really soon!

Rain was pouring outside Dan’s window on the morning of November 5th. It had now been three months since Phil found him on the kitchen floor. And today he was going to have to tell his best friend about the hardest decision he had ever made. 

He winced as a sharp pain from his hip entered his awareness. The cancer was consuming his bones now. His fingers searched for the button that would bring a nurse running. This was the palliative ward. The land of the dying. 

Dan knew that Phil would be freaked out when he found his old room empty, or worse with someone else in it. He’d been sad to leave the room where they’d filmed the last ‘Phil is not on Fire’ and watched countless episodes of anime as Dan slept. But this was the end, and he needed to be here.

As he expected, a nurse came in and pumped more morphine into one of the machines. He’d feel it soon enough. She checked the other monitors, wrote something on her clipboard and left with a horrified look on her face. He prayed that she didn’t recognise him. 

Sleep pulled Dan back under its turbulent shadows. 

~

A few hours later, someone else came in. It took so much energy for Dan to open his eyes and recognise his mother. She was brushing away his fringe, her eyes tearing up. 

“Dan? My baby boy, my sweetheart, Dan, are you awake?” she whispered.

“Hi, mum.” He said, his voice breaking.

“Oh, darling.” She said, wrapping her arms around Dan’s shoulders. 

“Mum, I have to tell Phil today.”

She pulled away but kept her hands on his chest. “I know.”

“I want to go out. Can you ask the nurses if I can go in town for the day? We could have lunch with everyone and then Phil and I can go and I’ll...”

She nodded. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

~

There was a lot of debating about whether Dan should be allowed out of the hospital or not. He could hear his two doctors arguing in the hallway. He closed his eyes, trying to shut it out, but their words pierced him anyways. Eventually, the idiotic doctor saw reason, and Dan was pushed out of the room by his mother in a wheelchair. 

As they rounded a corner, Phil was walking towards them. He towered above him now that Dan was in the chair. His skin was almost translucent, and dark bags had formed under his eyes. A lively nurse stood beside him, appearing to have been leading him to Dan’s room. 

“Hey.” Dan said, waving his had lethargically towards his best friend. 

“Hi.” Phil replied, looking at his shoes. 

“They’re letting me go out for the day. Wanna come?”

He looked a little startled by the question, but he nodded anyway. 

“Where do you want to go for lunch, Dan?” his mother asked.

Dan laughed. “Let’s grab a cheeky Nando’s!”

Phil rolled his eyes. “That was terrible.”

“I know.”

~

It was a challenge to get Dan’s entire family into the tiny restaurant, but eventually everyone was seated and looking at the dirty old menus. Dan insisted that Phil sat next to him, and the sheepish tall boy reluctantly agreed. The employees looked horrifically overwhelmed at the sight of the large group. Dan offered and apologetic smile to one of the girls, but she walked away without acknowledging him. 

Phil was oddly quiet throughout the entirety of the meal. His mother sat beside him and occasionally whispered something in his ear, but he’d only nod and return his attention to the chicken burger in front of him. Dan’s family was demanding his attention, and he felt bad throughout the ordeal for neglecting Phil. 

When the plates were finally cleared, Dan quietly asked his brother to take everyone to the movies or something. He didn’t ask questions. As Adrian announced that he was shouting everyone a ticket to some new action movie, Dan caught Phil’s wrist. 

“Come with me.” Said Dan, as his family began to move towards the cinema.

Phil frowned. “Don’t you want to see-”

“I want to be with you, Phil.” 

Phil stiffened, but nodded. “Where do you want to go?”

“Victoria Park?”

“Okay.”

~

Phil was sure that Dan was asleep. His head was tilted to the side as he pushed his wheelchair through the trees of the park. He didn’t know why Dan would want to be with him today. Shouldn’t he be at the hospital for treatment? Why didn’t he want to spent time with his family? What was so special about Phil? 

His hands began to shake again as they neared the statue. 

He didn’t know why he was nervous, but he still felt sick to the stomach. 

Phil pulled up the wheelchair next to a park bench and sat down beside Dan.

“Have you made any videos recently?” Dan asked, making Phil jump slightly. 

“No, I haven’t had time or ideas. My main focus has been you.”

Dan smiled. “My work insurance money can’t keep you going forever, Phil.”

“I’ll get a job at Sainsbury’s or something.”

“Don’t you want to do YouTube anymore?”

Phil didn’t reply. His eyes were filling with tears and he didn’t want Dan to see. But Dan could read the silence.

“You’re so distant. I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore.” Dan said quietly. 

“I don’t know what I’m thinking.”

“Phil…”

“If you want me to keep making videos, I will.”

Dan reached out and cupped Phil’s cheek in his hand. Phil froze in shock as the sick boy’s thumb stroked his face. 

“I want you to be happy.”

“I miss you, Dan.”

Dan frowned. “What? Why? You see me every day, Phil.”

“It’s not the same. The house is so quiet and empty. It’s just…”

“Maybe you should get another house plant.” Dan teased. 

Phil smiled weakly. He could see the heart shattering pain in his best friend’s eyes. Why did he let Dan see him like this? “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Dan’s eyebrows drew closer together as he thought. “Don’t be.”

“No, I am, Dan, I’m just moping around being depressed and causing issues while you’re sick and –”

“Phil Lester. Stop this. I love you. I don’t care how sick I am - your happiness is my priority. And I will do anything to fix this.”

Pale blue eyes were filled with tears. Warm chocolate irises stared back. “Just get better, Dan.”

Despite being barely able to stand, Dan got out of the wheelchair and sat beside Phil as his best friend cried. His arms wrapped around the tall boy and he pressed his cheek into Phil’s shoulder.

Then it happened. 

Phil felt his shirt become damp. At first, he thought it was just Dan’s tears. But then he realised it was warm and thick. Horror washed through him as he saw the blood pouring from the sick boy’s nose and mouth. Dan’s body went limp as he fell from the park bench. Then he started convulsing on the ground. Just like the girl from the café. 

Phil screamed. “DAN! NO! WAKE UP, PLEASE, DAN NO!”

He dropped to his knees and began shaking him, begging him to wake up. Strangers from the park came running, and one of them was dialling 999. Phil picked up his broken best friend and cradled him to his chest, sobbing, almost exactly how the girl’s mother had done. A woman tried to pry him away but Phil wouldn’t let go. 

By the time the paramedics arrived, Dan had been unconscious for ten minutes. He was still bleeding and convulsing. This time, nobody cared about Phil as Dan was loaded into the back of the ambulance. Nobody comforted him. As the sirens wailed towards the hospital, Phil was left alone in the park. 

~

They wouldn’t let him see Dan. Phil spent hours begging the staff at the hospital to let him see his best friend, but he was in intensive care and he had deteriorated rapidly. Angry, frustrated and defeated, Phil fell asleep across five of the waiting room chairs. 

~

Early the next morning, Phil was woken by Dan’s mother gently touching his shoulder. “Phil? Dan needs to see you, love.”

He bolted up, his eyes wide. “Is he alright?”

Mrs Howell smiled weakly as a tear rolled down her face. “For now. Go on. He wants to see you.”

“Right. Okay.” Phil stood up and followed her to the new room. 

Finally, they reached the door.

~

Dan heard the doorknob turn. He’d asked his mother the night before to keep everyone but Phil out today. When he opened his eyes, she had kept her word. 

Phil’s lips parted slightly at the sight of Dan. His eyes were filled with pain. Pale hands trembled beside his long legs. 

“Dan, why was your mum crying? Why did you move rooms? B-wh-a…” It was like the light flicked in his head. He realised what was going on. “Oh, God, Dan, no.”

“Phil, it’s in my brain. They can’t operate. Soon it’s going to crush the part of my brain that controls involuntary functions like breathing. And this chemo bullshit isn’t working. Neither is the radiotherapy. Nothing is.”

The tall pale boy’s face lost what little colour it had. 

“Dan, no, please, don’t tell me…”

“I’m stopping my treatment, Phil.”

Dan watched as Phil began to cry. His hands began shaking harder than before. Without warning, Phil turned and ran out the door. Dan’s heart broke. He was leaving his best friend behind. 

~

Phil couldn’t breathe. He ran out of the hospital as fast as he could. In a dark alleyway, he sat behind a dumpster. Dan was dying. Dan was dying. It was the only thought his mind could conjure. And it haunted him as he sobbed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short. Chapter 6 will be up tomorrow night.

It was 2am. Daniel James Howell was dying of cancer in a lonely hospital room a few miles away from the nerdy apartment he shared with his best friend. Now Phil had to tell the world about what was going on. 

With a lump in his throat, Phil opened the camera on his laptop. He didn’t want this to be a perfectly edited thing that he spent hours working on. This was just letting everyone know that he was quitting YouTube, and that Dan was dying. 

Hesitantly, he hit record. 

“Hi, guys…so, um, there’s been something going on which I’m sure you guys know about. A couple of months ago, Dan got really sick and he was rushed to the hospital. I won’t go into detail because, you know, it’s not nice and it’s hard for me to discuss, but, um, after what felt like a million tests Dan was diagnosed with cancer.” 

Phil felt his throat closing over, preventing him from continuing. He closed his eyes, clenched his fists and continued. 

“We’ve tried everything. He’s been so brave and been through so many awful operations and tests and treatments, but it’s everywhere. The cancer is eating him alive.” Tears poured from Phil’s eyes and he made no effort to conceal them. “Then recently he’s really begun to decline. Physically and mentally. Yesterday, Dan told me that he’s decided to stop treatment. Which means he’s probably going to die.”

He took a tissue from the box beside his bed and tried to clean his face. Realising it was futile, he went back to talking. 

“How soon, I don’t know…But I’ll post a video or something when it happens or someone else will. I just wanted to thank you guys. Your support, despite not knowing what’s going on, has meant everything to us, and on the bad days I know Dan spent hours scrolling through your twitter messages and smiling because of you guys. And the Tumblr guys, too, you’re also amazing. All of you. We couldn’t have asked for better people. It’s what has kept him going. I know that we’ve both been away from the internet lately, but I hope you’ll understand why we’re both switching off from now. I don’t think I’ll ever come back and Dan.. well… Like I said, I’ll let you guys know if – no, when – he passes. I’m really sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I love you all, and I know Dan does too. Goodbye internet.”

As tears rolled down his face, Phil stopped the video. He didn’t even watch it back. He just posted it to his channel. No tweets about it, no Tumblr posts, nothing. Just the video. It’s all he could do. His best friend was dying. He needed to go back to the hospital.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

Phil’s long pale fingers brushed against the back and white keys of Dan’s piano. Slowly, he pressed down on a high note, and the sound pierced the silence like a knife. His eyes moved around the room, taking in the layer of dust that had gathered on Dan’s belongings. Even the bed had remained unmade since the day Phil found him on the kitchen floor. It felt so empty and devoid of life. 

Only a few hours had passed since he uploaded his ‘Goodbye Internet’ video. The hashtag ‘wesupportdanandphilforever’ had been trending worldwide. People were devastated about Dan. And so was Phil. 

His heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces. He couldn’t believe he was losing someone else to death. But this time it was so much worse. Dan was his whole world. Every choice he made had Dan factored in somewhere, from the cereal he bought to the times he went on his family holidays. He couldn’t function without the dark haired prince that had dragged him out of the abyss of depression seven years earlier. 

In his pocket, the bright and cheerful sound of an anime theme started playing. Reluctantly, he pulled out his phone. It was Dan’s mother. 

“Phil?” she said quickly.

“Hi, Mrs-”

“There’s no time. You need to get down here, Dan’s…This is it, Phil.”

Everything froze. “Okay.”

~

The sun had barely begun to rise as Phil Lester ran through the empty corridors of the hospital. He was shaking uncontrollably when he rounded the corner to Dan’s room.  
Everyone was standing outside the door. Dan’s mother was weeping into her husband’s shoulder. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Mrs Lester stepped forward and hugged Phil. Nobody said a word as she nodded towards the doorknob. 

Phil wasn’t breathing as he entered the room. Within the crisp white sheets, the broken body of his best friend lay completely still. He was clearly in a lot of pain. Dan’s eyes were closed but tears were rolling down his face. The English language could not provide Phil with the words to describe what he saw and felt as he stood in that room.  
“Dan?” Phil’s voice broke as his own tears began to flow. 

“Phil. Come here.” He croaked. 

He moved towards the dying boy and sat in the uncomfortable chair. Dan moved his hand towards Phil, and their pale hands intertwined. They were both crying now.  
“Don’t leave me, Dan. I need you. Please…”

Dan opened his eyes and looked at his best friend. “I’m really sorry, Phil.”

There was a rustling sound as Dan passed Phil a crumpled piece of paper. It was a letter. Attached was a polaroid picture of Dan and Phil. They were smiling together with their arms wrapped around each other’s waist. In the white space around the photograph, Dan had written in his messy scrawl ‘Phil Lester – my best friend’.

Phil could feel Dan’s eyes watching him as he read the letter. He couldn’t believe what Dan had written. When he reached the end, Phil stood up and kissed Dan Howell on the lips, just like he dreamed of for years. And Dan kissed him back. 

A single tear rolled down his cheek as the dying boy whispered, “I love you, Phil.”

“I love you, too, Dan.” Phil cried. 

As if by some unspoken agreement, Phil grabbed Dan’s laptop from the table and started to play last year’s ‘Phil is not on Fire’. With their hands still together, they watched the videos that created their friendship. The cat whiskers, the jokes, the onomatopoeias… it was everything they had done together. And it was everything to Phil. 

As the very first video they ever made together ended, the beeping from the heart monitor stopped. The line went flat. Dan was dead.


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is Phil's whole world. But this isn't a happy ending. In a cruel turn of fate, Dan is diagnosed with cancer. And Phil can't save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you so much for reading! It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride writing this, but I've loved every minute. This is the epilogue, hopefully bringing everything together and explaining the title a little. My next phanfic will be up soon.

One year later 

Phil couldn’t believe it. It had been 365 days since Dan had died. Most of them had passed in a blur of misery and sadness, but lit like lanterns among them were brief moments of joy. But he was getting out of it. While he still missed his best friend with every part of his being, Phil had learnt to live without him. To substitute the pain for the good times and continue living. To smile because he had been lucky enough to exist at the same time as the dark haired boy. Because deep down, he knew that Dan would want him to be happy, even if he couldn’t be there to see it. 

Just like every other day, he packed up his satchel and headed out of the house. After Dan’s passing, Phil couldn’t return to YouTube, but he found a job with them working as an editor on the YouTube Red content. But today his boss had given him the day off. 

The dark November morning didn’t improve as Phil made the long trek to the park. A cool breeze rustled the trees around him. He found a secluded table, away from the crowds. It was oddly quiet considering it was a Monday morning. The children played in the playground in the distance and their tired parents watched on with lethargic eyes. A couple walked along the path, not paying any attention to him. 

From his pocket, he took out the letter and polaroid photo from Dan. His fingers brushed over the words of his best friend. 

~

Dear Phil,  
You know how terrible I am at expressing emotion. You’ve spent the last seven years doing Friday Feelings with me, helping me get better at it. Now your hard work is finally paying off – strap yourself in for an extravaganza of Dan Howell’s emotions. 

I am truly sorry for everything that I have put you through in the last three months. I honestly can’t imagine what it would have been like if the situation had been reversed. Thank you for your unwavering support, and for watching endless hours of anime with me. And for putting up with grumpy Dan every day.

On a slightly different note…(I have no idea how to connect these two things)

I am in love with you. And I have been for years. From the very first time I watched an AmazingPhil video, your smiling face brightened my sad and lonely teenage life. Every time I saw you in my subscription box, my heart raced and I got so incredibly excited. When we started talking, I started falling for you. By the time I actually met you, I was wholeheartedly Phil trash #1. The last few years have been the best of my entire life, and it’s because of you. I know I have treated you like shit at times, but deep down there is not a day where I haven’t woken up thanking every God I can think of for you. 

I became a different person with you in my life. I never would have started YouTube if it wasn’t for you. Phil, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I could never have asked for a better person to share this crazy journey with. You mean everything to me, and I hope that even though I can’t be there to share it with you, that you find happiness and create it within others. You are enigmatic, intelligent, creative, funny, kind, caring, beautiful and my favourite person on this earth. You’re going to do amazing things. I just know it. 

See you on the other side, Philly.

Dan

P.S Oh I forgot! See the polaroid I’ve given you with this letter? I’ve actually carried it in my pocket every day since I got it a couple of years ago. Yeah, pretty cringey, I know, but it was a reminder to me of you when we were separated (which wasn’t often). You can do what you want with it, really. I just wanted you to have it. 

Also – don’t let YouTube take my channel down! Don’t delete the gaming channel! I know you probably won’t return to making videos, but please, keep our videos online. For them. 

~

The memory of Dan flickered within Phil again. His eyes read the last sentence over and over again. For them. Then he had an idea. 

It took him hours, but Phil edited the video. He sat at that table with his laptop and arranged the clips of the final ‘Phil is not on Fire’ into the chaotic style that was born in his bedroom years earlier. When he was happy with it, he created another video out of all of his favourite moments. Creating Dil Howlter, imitating worms, drawing cat whiskers, making ridiculous songs, falling out of chairs because of a jumpscare. The list went on. Just to annoy him, he put the first 20 seconds of ‘HELLO INTERNET’ in. At the end of both videos, it faded to black with the words ‘Dan Howell – my best friend’ and ‘11 June 1991 – 6 November 2016’ in comic sans. Two videos. Two channels. He was going to upload them. Only problem was, he didn’t know the password to Dan’s account. 

~

Later that night, Phil found a sticky note on Dan’s desk with ‘lolzornerd91’ scrawled in Dan’s messy left-handed writing. He smiled. This was it. 

For the last time in his entire life, Phil opened his channel on his laptop and uploaded ‘Phil is not on fire 8’. And, oddly, for the first time, he opened Dan’s channel and posted ‘Goodbye danisnotonfire’. Instantly, the views began flooding in. Their Phandom was once again united by the release of new videos. Phil felt better, knowing that this is what Dan would have wanted. 

~

Midnight was rapidly approaching, but Phil was wandering the streets of London. He’d felt trapped in the walls of their apartment. It was weird. With the same bubble tea Dan had ordered in their old ‘Day in the Life’ video in his hand, he continued walking. 

His mind began to drift to his best friend. How he used to tap his hands or whistle while editing. The countless times he’d helped him film a skit for a video. The way he used to watch Dan do the most mundane things with captivated eyes. It was really the little things he missed the most. Companionship was hard to come by, and it was even harder to find someone who understood him in the way Dan had. 

But he was moving on. He knew that in ten days Dan’s mother would be coming around to pack up all of Dan’s stuff and put it in her attic, and that he’d be moving out because he could no longer afford to pay the rent. Admittedly, he was scared to leave the apartment, as if somehow not waking up in that same room would make him forget Dan. But really, it had been a year. He’d indulged himself enough. It was time. 

With the polaroid photograph of him and his best friend in his pocket, Phil Lester drifted further into the night.


End file.
